The Pseudo Girlfriend

The Pseudo Girlfriend. The one who can’t call him her man, but he’s her boo. The one who isn‘t committed to him, but she passes up other chances and just waits. The one who does everything a girlfriend would AND should, but yet isn’t. The perfect scenario for a guy and the worst for a girl. He gets everything he wants and needs without having a title. And boy does that makes all the difference in the world. She gets just enough attention and just enough “act right” to make her wait for that title [if it ever comes]. He has everything she wants and she’s waited this long so why not keep waiting. She has everything he wants [physically] for the moment until he can find someone else to do the same things better. To her, he’s Mr. Right. To him, she’s Ms. Right Now. He enjoys his sexual freedom through lack of a title. She enjoys being a caged bird with the door wide open. Does this make sense? No. Well not good sense anyway. Yet, at times, some feel it’s better to make “bad” sense opposed to no sense at all. And oddly enough, that makes sense to me.

A is for Addiction

For some reason I can’t seem to shake you. I just can’t get rid of you. Just when I thought I could do this on my own. Out of sight out of mind. My 21 day cleanse was ALMOST done. On day 20, you came right back around. Am I addicted? Nah. I can let you go whenever I feel like it, but I just don’t feel like it. Wait. Is this really the case? Well, I have myself convinced for the moment. (See: Denial) But in reality I can’t resist the temptation. Not even on a good day. Something about you is just… I don’t know what it is. You aren’t the best looking. You aren’t the best lover. You don’t have the best personality. You don’t rank number 1 in any category. I think I know what you are though. You’re convenient. You’re the poor man’s cocaine. You are there when I need a fix. Satisfying yet temporary. Fun yet addictive. And yes. I think I’m addicted. There. I’ve admitted it. Now, what’s the next step in addiction recovery? I need to know before I reach the point of no return.

11 in 2011

It's February. 11 months left in 2011. So, lets make this year worth it and do something different with every month left. So, here’s my “11 in 2011”

• 1. Go snowskiing and/or waterskiing.
• 2. Get on a plane. One of my biggest fears. I need to conquer it.
• 3. Go to a hockey game.
• 4. Go wine tasting.
• 5. Make a drastic physical change to my appearance.
• 6. Visit a city I’ve never been to before.
• 7. Add color to my wardrobe. Everything I own is black!
• 8. Get my license to carry.
• 9. Visit the West Coast.
• 10. Take a family outing with my mom and grandparents.
• 11. Go fishing and fry the fish I catch.

I would encourage anyone and everyone to make a such list. Feel free to post your list in the comments section. It can be serious or it can be fun... Just do something you've never done!

Invisible Ink or a Blank Sheet of Paper?

Sitting here looking at a blank sheet of paper. Or is it? I glanced and thought I saw something on it but I’m not for sure. Is it possible the paper isn’t blank at all, but merely covered with words written in invisible ink? Do I have the right light to uncover the hidden message? Or am I merely making something out of nothing? How do I uncover the truth? I could be making something out of nothing. It could be just a regular sheet of paper that says nothing. Absolutely nothing. I could’ve misinterpreted what I saw. It wouldn’t be the first time that’s happened. Sometimes I think we… well I… make something out of nothing. If there’s nothing there, there just isn’t anything there! There isn’t anything I can do to make something appear that isn’t there in the first place. The tricky part is knowing the difference. Knowing if the paper is blank or if it isn’t. Knowing if your situation is something or if it isn’t. Could it be so simple to just ask? It probably is as long as you ask the right question. Is this invisible ink or just a blank sheet of paper?

As the song changes by Pandora

“Sometimes I feel good… at times I feel used”… That’s about accurate Alicia. Though I don’t know your purpose for using me. Maybe just because. Maybe you don’t take me seriously. Maybe that’s just you. Who am I to judge what you do? If I don’t like it I should change the situation, right? Fortunately for you, the good feeling outweighs the used one.

“Now that it’s over stop calling me… come pick up your clothes”… Preach Beyonce. You chose this path. You really did. I still wanted to be friends because that’s all it should’ve been anyway. You didn’t. Oh well. So since you didn’t want to straddle the fence then, don’t do it now. I’m content over here.

“Time on my hands… since you been away boy… I ain‘t got no plans”… Sorry Mary. SKIP.

“Some people work things out and some just don’t know how to change”… Can I be both Boyz II Men? I feel like I’m in both categories. I work things out with the assumed “right” people but for the assumed “wrong” people I don’t know how to change. If only I knew which was which for sure…

“cuz I am superwoman… Yes I am”… at least I feel like I am today Alicia… Maybe it’s the month of November. I feel like I’ve conquered it already.

“Nobody wants to be alone”… True story Usher. For this I think people settle for less than they deserve. I mean you can do bad all by yourself but what’s the fun in that? There’s nothing like being able to share the good and bad times with SOMEBODY… ANYBODY…

“But inevitably… you‘ll be back again”… Hit the nail on the head with this one Mariah. Some just can‘t be shook even if you wanted to shake them. What’s important is knowing the reason why they come back and if they act right the second go round.

“I wanna be the one who you believe in your heart is sent from heaven”… Story of my life Keyshia. No extra comments needed.

I’m done for now… Sometimes a song can say what you never could or make you think what you never would. It's great when someone else's logic speaks to you. Kudos to Pandora this morning.

Inner Thoughts

Driving across this bridge. I can’t see the other side. If this bridge is how bridges are supposed to be, then there is an end on the other side, right? So I keep driving. And driving. And driving. Then I start to question myself. I’ve been driving for a long time when will I reach the other side? Well, I’ve come too far to turn back now. If I turn back, I will have waste so much time. I might as well keep on going as long as I have gas. So, I keep driving because now I’m curious. I want to know what’s on the other side. I HAVE to get there. I’m still on the bridge. My gas light comes on. Here’s my sign. I should turn back or maybe just a little longer. Breaking point. Decisions. What to do?
If I keep going, I may make it to the other side. If I turn around, I may not make it back to the point where I started. So, I keep going and I run out of gas. Damn. I was warned. Didn’t take heed. Not the best judgment call. Now I’m stuck. Take action or remain passive....
Take action or remain passive because I know we’ve been talking for so long and I feel like this road has to lead somewhere. Anywhere. Or think with my head and not my heart. I know how it was like BEFORE the journey started. I sure I can get back to that point and start anew because I’ve learned a powerful lesson. Signs are meant to tell you something. I just have to stop, look, and listen. Ignoring the signs are only detrimental to me. Not to mention the signs that aren't there can mean almost as much as the ones that are. So I have to pay better attention, but now that I've surpassed that point. The signs told me everything I needed to know. I just didn't listen. So what do I do? Make the decision for me or make the decision for you

One and two and breathe

Inhale. Exhale. Breathe. Well I would be able to if I could get some things off my chest. Some things that may not make any sense to you but they make a lot of sense to me. My issues will only be separated by a period. Signifying the end. So let’s put somethings to rest. Funeral service if you will.
You’ve been around for so long you have an advantage over everyone and I mean everyone Unfortunately I’m growing up before your eyes and you don’t even know it or maybe you do Maybe that’s why you have to throw a monkey wrench so I’ll stick around You think I will be here forever but newsflash I’ve BEEN here forever or close enough no long enough It’s time to move on Nothing has changed There is no progress You’re great Don’t get me wrong but I’m not the one you want So why pretend Now I need my brain to send a signal for my feet to move Next step. Period.
We weren’t meant to be together I was just another social experiment to you and I only chose you to try and change me Well not really me just change my type but it wasn’t for the better it was more like a lateral move that put me in no better position than I was before Maybe I’ve become so enthralled with what I think is my “type” that I can’t be attracted to anything else Or maybe I just wasn't attracted to you I'll take the latter Yes it’s probably my fault for wasting your time but please note the reason why me and you didn’t work wasn’t because we couldn’t but because shouldn’t It just wasn‘t meant to be but I hope you find what you‘re looking for. Period.
You and him overlapped but not in a sexual way in an emotional way I could talk to you I could relate to you You were what I was wanting him to be You were what I was attracted to You were the one I couldn’t let go Maybe you rejuvenate my youth I don’t know what it is but I’m trying very hard not to get sidetracked by the obvious I’m too old to be oblivious See I know I’m not the only one but I didn’t come into this situation expecting to be Just like you can’t ask the same thing of me We are both single and until that changes anything goes No rules No limitations but still a sense of respect We laugh We joke We have fun together So lets not make it more complicated than it has to be right now I don't want to waste the moment. Period.
No wait. Erase that. Comma because this isn’t the end or at least I don’t want it to be. I just want to take this brief moment to pause, reflect, and continue. One and two and breathe. Now I feel better